ADHD and Divorce: Rates, Custody Arrangements and More
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can affect the dynamics of divorce and co-parenting. If a parent or child in your family has ADHD, having an idea of what to expect can help you prepare for court and parenting post divorce.
How ADHD affects divorce
Managing ADHD and divorce is tricky. ADHD presents itself differently depending on the person with the condition so it's difficult to pin down exactly how symptoms will impact divorce.
The following are examples of how ADHD symptoms can affect children and spouses during divorce.
Children with ADHD
A few ADHD symptoms that might influence a child's reaction to their parent's divorce are:
- Emotional dysregulation: Children with ADHD may struggle to manage their emotions. Their parents' divorce might cause them to go through a series of complex emotions causing outbursts or retreat.
- Hyperfocus: Children with ADHD may constantly think about the divorce. They may fixate on ways they could've prevented the divorce from happening.
- Lack of flexible thinking: Children with ADHD often have negative self-talk, which may cause them to blame themselves for their parents' divorce. Black and white thinking could shape the way they look at relationships in the future. (E.g., "If my parents couldn't stay together, no relationship can last.")
When the child of divorcing parents has ADHD or another condition like autism, it's essential for parents to work together. Tell your child about the divorce and expected changes together. When they hear mixed messages, it makes the process more confusing and stressful. Let them know that this is a decision you've made and that you'll continue to be a part of their life.
Be specific about the changes the child should expect. If a parent is moving out, let your child go see the new space in which they'll be living part time before you start following a custody schedule. Explain its location in relation to where they currently live, relatives' homes, their school, etc.
Create familiar and comfortable routines for your child. Stick to a daily schedule for homework, dinner time, leisure time, administering ADHD medication (more below) and more. Keep the child's snacks, toys and other items in specific places so they always know where they are. Be consistent when enforcing household rules.
Speak with the professional who diagnosed your child or helps manage their ADHD to learn the best ways to help your child cope with divorce. Consider therapy as well.
Spouses with ADHD
A few ADHD symptoms that might impact spouses during divorce are:
- Indecisiveness: An ADHD spouse might waver between certainty and uncertainty that they want to divorce. This could make it harder to commit to building a case which could hurt their chances of getting a desired outcome.
- Rejection sensitive dysphoria: Since some with ADHD are sensitive to rejection, finding out their spouse wants a divorce may cause them to withdraw or disengage. They might refuse to participate in the divorce process, even if settlement is on the table.
- Forgetfulness: Spouses with ADHD might struggle to remember court dates and deadlines for turning in paperwork, leading to delays in the court process.
- Inattentiveness: ADHD could make it harder for the spouse to pay attention during trial. They may only hear parts of the testimony, making note-taking difficult, and may struggle to adequately answer questions while on the witness stand.
Finding an effective treatment plan will lessen the chance of ADHD negatively impacting your case. Hiring a lawyer will also take some of the burden of the court process off you. Try to negotiate a divorce settlement if possible. Alternative dispute resolution methods offer a more amicable approach than court, which may make it easier to co-parent collaboratively.
ADHD and divorce rates
ADHD can negatively affect a marriage if not properly treated.
Some spouses married to partners with ADHD feel like they take on more responsibilities in their marriages. They feel as though they put in more effort and need to "parent" their spouse. This may lead to burnout and in some cases, divorce.
An oft-repeated ADHD and divorce statistic is that the chance for divorce doubles when one or both spouses has ADHD. A 2008 study concluded that the chance of divorce doubles when the couple's child has ADHD.
However, these studies reflect a small sample size compared to the larger number of couples with ADHD in their family. Plus, other factors, such as age, influence whether the couple is more likely to divorce; divorce rates for younger spouses with ADHD are lower than for older spouses with ADHD.
Marriage takes a lot of work regardless of whether ADHD is a factor. The most important thing is getting a diagnosis and working with a professional to create a treatment plan that works for the affected person.
ADHD and custody arrangements
Will my ADHD hurt my case for custody?
If your symptoms impede upon your ability to care for your child, it could impact the outcome of your case. For example, struggling to keep a job or guarantee a safe place for your child to live will count against you.
An attorney will know the best way to argue your case in court to show you're a capable parent. Things you can do on your own to help your case:
- Start a treatment plan for your ADHD
- Get support from family, friends and others
- Look into parenting tips for those with ADHD (more below)
- Keep a journal documenting your role in your child's life and what you've done to try to improve, like parenting classes
Following a custody schedule when your child has ADHD
Children with ADHD need structure that involves little to no surprises. Parents should try to maintain similar household rules and routines and make sure their child knows what to expect.
There are many schedules suitable for children with ADHD. It's recommended that you choose one with few exchanges (switches from one parent's custody to the other's).
If you have 50/50 custody, consider the alternating weeks schedule. Let the child have a non-overnight midweek visit with the parent who has less time that week.
You can customize this to fit your situation with Custody X Change.
For uneven parenting time splits, look into schedules that give the noncustodial parent weekends like the alternating weekends schedule. Add a weekly visit so your child has regular contact with the noncustodial parent.
You can customize this to fit your situation with Custody X Change.
If your kid is mature enough to give an opinion, consider asking them what schedule would work best. You might have a trial period with one schedule, then, sit down with your child to check in and see if they're adjusting well or need to try something else.
Post your custody calendar where your child can see it like on the refrigerator. Try to keep pickups and dropoffs in the same locations. Let your child know beforehand if the exchange location will change. When the child is away on a visit, allow them to stay in touch with the other parent.
Parenting with ADHD
Try the following to manage how much your symptoms impact your parenting:
- Set reminders for custody exchanges and your child's activities on your phone.
- Print your custody calendar or use Outlook, Apple, or Google calendars to keep track of your custody schedule.
- Message your co-parent whenever you expect to be late for a pickup or dropoff.
- Store your child's information (e.g., teachers, clothing size, favorite food) in one place.
- Minimize distractions when spending time with your child (i.e., keep your phone in the other room when playing a game with your child).
When divorced parents disagree on ADHD medication or treatment for their child
When divorced parents disagree on ADHD medication, it can put your child's treatment plan in question.
The type of legal custody you have influences who has a say in whether the child takes ADHD medication.
With sole legal custody, you have the final say in whether your child is medicated. But there's a chance your co-parent won't give your child the medicine during their parenting time. You could go to court to get an order requiring them to administer the medication.
Parents with joint legal custody have equal say in the child's medical decisions. If parents can't agree, they must go to court, try mediation or rely on a professional like a parenting coordinator to make a decision for them.
Changing your ex's view of medication
If your co-parent is opposed to medication, try the following:
- Encourage the other parent to speak with the professional who prescribed the medication so they can explain why it is necessary and answer any questions they have about it.
- Get a second opinion. Your ex might follow the treatment plan if another professional agrees mediciation is necessary.
- Ask a friend whose child is on ADHD medication to speak with your ex. They could provide insight into the medicine's effects.
- Suggest a book about ADHD so they can educate themselves.
- Ask the child's school to contact your ex when the child is having learning or behavioral difficulties. The parent may start to see the child needs the medicine to function in school.
Your child's well-being should be the top priority. If a professional determines medication is best for them — and it's working — reassure your child that taking medicine is not a negative thing. If medicine isn't what's best for your child, consider alternatives like therapy.
Going to court
If other attempts at getting your ex to administer ADHD medication don't work, you can go to court.
The judge will consider whether medication is recommended by a professional and if it is in the child's best interests.
Bring evidence to support your case like test results confirming the child's diagnosis and the prescription from the doctor. Get letters from teachers and other professionals who have insight into your child's condition. Your child's report card and medical records can also support your case.
Co-parenting with ADHD
After divorce, you'll need to find a viable way to navigate your parenting journey with ADHD. A co-parenting app can help make the process less stressful.
Custody X Change can help you stay on top of all the moving parts of co-parenting.
- Create a parenting plan so you'll know how to handle co-parenting
- Keep track of your child's activities
- Make your custody schedule and have easy access to it on the go
- Exchange messages with your co-parent while ensuring respectful communication
- And more
You can customize this to fit your situation with Custody X Change.
Use Custody X Change to maintain a parenting dynamic fit for you and your child.