Autism and Divorce

During your divorce process, you'll begin communicating with your ex in new ways. Your child, too, must learn what's happening and adjust to the new situation.

If your child is autistic, you may seek a child development expert who specializes in autism, especially if you haven't before. Clarify how you'll continue to meet your child's needs.

If you or your co-parent are autistic, you may need to put extra effort into communicating with each other going forward.

Staying respectful during a divorce involving autism

Autism and divorce are often described negatively, but you can choose a better path.

When describing autism: Commit to using respectful, accurate language. Listen to the language that your child and the other parent prefer to use.

Some people prefer to say they have autism or autism spectrum disorder, while others say they are autistic. Some use the term neurodivergent.

When describing your divorce: Clearly state how your relationship has changed. For example, you may need to emphasize that you'll call each other former spouses now. Setting boundaries can help a person with autism understand and adjust.

Your child, whether or not they have autism, will benefit from hearing you say that you'll always be their parent.

Divorce with an autistic child

Divorce is stressful for everyone, especially a child with autism, so be especially gentle with them during this time. When your child is calm, it'll be easier for them to communicate.

Making a plan to meet your child's needs

If your child has a special need related to their autism, mention it in your parenting plan. That's a document that explains how you and your ex will parent your child together.

The Custody X Change online app lets you create a parenting plan and print it for court. There are common provisions, like provisions about schooling, and you can easily add custom provisions too.

For example, if your child has an assistive communication device (like an iPad) or a support animal, you can say in your plan how belongings will generally travel back and forth, or you can mention the device and animal specifically.

To meet your child's costs, the court will decide child support. If appropriate, ask the court to adjust the typical amount to reflect who's paying for services that help your child.

Communication strategies

When you tell your child you're getting divorced, assure them it isn't their fault. Give them concrete information about where they'll be living and what is and isn't going to change in their life. Remember that autistic children do have strong emotions, even if their faces and voices may not immediately reveal it.

It's unwise to ask your child — especially if they have autism — to pass on messages to your ex. They may misinterpret the message or feel stressed. Write in your parenting plan that you won't use your child as a messenger.

Instead, you might use Custody X Change to message the other parent. The app has a hostility monitor that highlights certain words, encouraging parents to think twice before sending that message.

Custody disputes involving a child with autism

Trying to agree on custody

All children suffer when their parents fight; the pain can be even worse for a child with autism. Let this give you extra incentive to reach a peaceful resolution with your co-parent.

When you agree on a parenting plan, a judge is likely to approve it. Judges generally trust that parents are the experts on their child's needs.

While negotiations are in progress, try to present a unified front to your child. Don't make them think that their parents are opposing forces.

Going to court

If you can't reach an agreement, your child's autism could be a major factor in the judge's custody decision, especially if one parent is more equipped to help the child flourish.

To prove that you're a fit parent, you might present evidence like:

• Parenting journal entries about how each parent supports the child's well-being
• Reports from your child's school and doctors
• Testimony from an expert on autism in children

Some cases have a custody evaluation. This is a long process that costs thousands of dollars. You can ask for an evaluation that focuses on your child's disorder and its effects.

Before they give their custody recommendation, the evaluator might look the child's emotional bond with each parent, their mental and physical health, and their performance in school.

Disagreements over whether your child has autism

If part of your dispute is over whether your child has autism, getting a formal diagnosis can settle the matter.

Some people don't like the idea of professional diagnosis. However, it can open opportunities for help, and it can make your custody case clearer by clarifying your child's needs.

If the other parent is standing in the way of a diagnosis, this could be a reason to ask the court for sole decision-making power about your child's health so you can make the decision on your own.

Best custody schedule for an autistic child

Most autistic children do best when there's a routine. That makes it extra important for you and your co-parent to propose a custody schedule you can realistically stick to. Make sure it enables your child to access support services, such as therapy appointments.

Choose a schedule that centers on your child's needs. Consider whether they're tolerant of car trips, what their bedtime routine involves, etc. If possible, keep your child in the school they're comfortable with.

No matter what schedule you choose, your child will benefit from knowing the routine. Custody X Change lets you print a visual calendar. When your child is old enough to have their own online accounts, you can link with them to share digital custody and activity calendars.

Possible schedules

Parenting time schedules are often based on a child's age. Schedules for younger children usually have more frequent exchanges, while schedules for teenagers have longer periods of time with each parent. If you and your ex are long-distance, that affects how frequently you can exchange your child.

You could have a 3-4-4-3 schedule. This is equal time for both parents.

Or, one parent could have a visit every other weekend.

Regardless of your schedule, you could try birdnesting. It means the child stays put in their own home, and the parents come (one at a time) to care for them there. This arrangement avoids meltdowns caused by moving the child between homes. It's often used temporarily to help the child adjust to living with their parents individually.

Autistic parent and child custody

Autistic adults can get custody and parenting time. They can be excellent, loving parents.

In most cases, a court awards both parents a role in the child's life. Encourage your child to have a relationship with their other parent.

If you don't believe your ex can be a safe, attentive parent — for example, because they have a hard time controlling their anger — bring specific examples to court. Write down details as soon as an incident happens in a parenting journal.

Don't cite your ex's autism in a way that seems like you're badmouthing or insulting them. Judges frown on this.

A parent with a learning disability or communication differences may be able to receive help with a court case. The local court clerk may be able to verify that they've filled out forms correctly. Ask your court what accommodations are available.

Finding ways to negotiate with your co-parent

If you and your ex have trouble speaking directly, mediation can help the two of you reach agreement. You may find a mediator who's skilled at working with autistic people. You may be able to have the session by video conference or while sitting in separate rooms.

Keep the focus on your child's needs, and move forward.

The easiest way to make a schedule

You've faced challenges with autism, and divorce is a new step on your parenting journey.

You'll want a parenting time schedule to address holidays and school breaks, give the right amount of time to each parent, and be adaptable for years to come.

To make a custody schedule quickly and affordably, turn to the Custody X Change online app.

You'll get a visual calendar and a written schedule that meet your family's needs, as well as court standards.