How To Deal with a High-Conflict Co-Parent: Our Best Tips

The parenting battles don't always end when you get a custody order. It's perfectly normal for co-parents to disagree on some matters. You might be dealing with a high-conflict co-parent when every conversation turns into a fight.

High-conflict co-parenting is often draining, but it is not impossible. Employ these strategies to co-parent effectively despite your circumstances.

High-conflict parenting plan

A high-conflict parenting plan is vital to dealing with a high-conflict co-parent.

Cover anything that if unaddressed could lead to conflict. At minimum, you'll need a detailed parenting schedule and rules for:

• Decision-making responsibility
• Resolving disagreements
• Sharing child-related information (e.g., report cards)
• Exchanging the child
• Moving with the child
• Attending the child's extracurriculars
• Introducing your child to new partners
• Making parenting plan revisions

If you have a parallel parenting plan (more below), you can skip rules that you'll each decide individually, like screen time.

The goal is to have a plan so thorough you don't need to communicate often. Only parenting plans filed with and approved by a court are legally enforceable.

Dos and don'ts of high-conflict co-parenting

Discover actions that can help (dos) and actions that can hurt (don'ts) your co-parenting relationship.

Do parallel parent

Engaging with a high-conflict parent often ends in a dust-up. Parallel parenting limits communication to lessen tension and spare the children from conflict. Parents enforce the rules they see fit for their household without consulting their co-parent.

Don't intentionally work against one another

Don't parent out of spite. Conflicted co-parenting can harm your child's mental health as they will constantly be in the middle of your conflict. Make the decisions you believe are best for your child irrespective of what your co-parent is doing.

Do keep communication in writing

Writing allows you to think through what you're saying.

Whether by text message, email or a co-parenting app, written communication holds both parents accountable for productive and respectful communication. Custody X Change messaging features a hostility monitor so you're aware of any potentially harmful language before you hit send.

Don't talk about nonparenting matters

High conflict parents should have limited communication. This extends to what they speak about. Only talk about parenting matters with your co-parent to avoid arguments. Drudging up the past or personal issues is unproductive.

Do keep a custody journal

It's not uncommon for high-conflict cases to return to court. So you're prepared if that happens, write down parenting developments — time spent with your child, your co-parent's custody order violations, interactions with your co-parent, etc. Your parenting journal will give the court insight into your co-parenting relationship, aiding in their decision.

Don't vent to the kids about your co-parent

Children are impressionable. When they hear one parent bad-mouthing the other, it influences their opinion. The child may begin to undermine a parent's authority if they do not respect them. Some believe attempts to damage the child's relationship with a parent can cause parental alienation.

Do get outside help

Dealing with a high-conflict co-parent alone is tough. Family, friends and professionals can all make a difference in how successful you are in dealing with your co-parent.

• Parenting coordinators act as liaisons between high-conflict co-parents. In some states, they can make decisions for parents.
• Therapists are adept listeners and problem solvers. They allow you to vent and suggest coping strategies when things get tough.
• Co-parenting apps keep all your custody information in one place. Custody X Change offers many helpful features like linking accounts with your co-parent so you receive notifications for schedule changes and more. If your co-parent doesn't want to pay, you can cover the cost of their subscription with a family plan.
• Support groups for divorced parents help you connect with others who have faced similar pitfalls, which can provide comfort.

Don't put others in the middle

You might ask your new partner or a family member to speak with your co-parent thinking it'll be helpful. However, high-conflict co-parents are unlikely to respond differently to them. If anything, it may cause more conflict — and put an innocent bystander in your co-parent's crosshairs.

The impact of high-conflict co-parenting on children

Research shows that kids do better when their parents get along after separation. When parents are at odds, the children feel it. They'll start to wonder why one parent allows them to do something the other doesn't, or why you never attend their soccer games at the same time. This division often makes children feel the need to choose a side.

If your child becomes distant from you, continue to parent as usual. Find ways to grow a stronger bond and let them know you care. Strategies to help children deal with divorce can apply to high-conflict co-parenting situations as well.

The easiest way to make a high-conflict parenting plan

A well-thought-out parenting plan is crucial for parents in high conflict. A detailed plan with airtight legal language could be the difference between cooperation and returning to court.

The Custody X Change online app walks you through each step of creating a plan so you account for all possible situations.

It's easy. Just use our parenting plan template to quickly choose the provisions that best suit your circumstances.

The result will be a professional document that demonstrates your competence as a parent and has safeguards to prevent violations that could disrupt your child's life.

The easiest and most reliable way to make a parenting plan is with Custody X Change.