How To Prepare for Divorce | Preparation Checklists

When you're contemplating divorce, emotions run high. It can be hard to buckle down and prepare.

Preparing for divorce is no easy task. Laying out everything you need to do and the information you'll need to gather can help you keep things in perspective. Using checklists will help you manage your preparation.

Divorce preparation checklists

There are many moving parts in a divorce. Breaking them down topic by topic can make the process less overwhelming.

Here are a few different checklists to help you figure out what to do to prepare for divorce. Brainstorm other categories that could use a checklist. For example, if you have joint property, you can create a checklist with tasks related to that.

The "Should I get a divorce?" checklist

The following are commonly cited by spouses as reasons for the breakdown of their marriages.

• You or your spouse have checked out emotionally.
• There's been infidelity.
• You're constantly thinking about leaving.
• You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your spouse.
• You're constantly stressed out because of marital issues.
• You and your spouse avoid one another.
• Every conversation turns into an argument.
• You no longer feel like you can confide in your spouse.
• Your strained relationship is affecting your children.
• There's no chance of reconciliation with your spouse.

Keep in mind that no checklist can definitively tell you whether it's time to divorce. Listen to your intuition. You know yourself and your relationship best.

What to do before telling your spouse you want a divorce

Telling your spouse that you want a divorce is often the hardest part of the process. Keep these things in mind before telling them.

• Think about how divorce will impact your (and your children's) future. This isn't to talk yourself out of the divorce but to set realistic expectations of what's to come.
• Confide in family, friends or mental health professionals whose discretion you trust so that you're not going through this alone.
• Make a list of all your monthly living expenses to see what lifestyle changes you'll have to make in the event of a divorce. Look into the average costs of rent, bills, etc. in your area to get an idea of how much you'll need to stay afloat.
• Plan out what you will say. Be direct. You won't want to leave anything open for interpretation.
• Prepare yourself for their response. Most likely, your spouse will have something to say about your decision. Whether they're angry and argumentative or sad and apologetic, be ready to face them. You might be able to gauge how they will respond based on your past interactions.

Talking to your spouse before you file can help make the process more amicable than blindsiding them with divorce papers. Many spouses reach an agreement through an alternative dispute resolution (ADR) method, then file for an uncontested divorce together.

However, if your spouse has been abusive or threatening, don't inform them that you plan to divorce. Instead, get out of the unsafe environment. Then get an order of protection (i.e., a restraining order). You'll probably be able to find free legal representation for the order of protection and the divorce. Contact a domestic violence relief agency or legal aid group in your area.

Divorce financial checklist

Divorce often has a massive effect on finances. One income is leaving the family home, and you'll likely incur legal fees.

Whether you're negotiating a settlement or going to court, painting a full picture of your and your spouse's current finances is vital to financially preparing for divorce and getting any necessary support from your spouse.

Gather the following:

• Tax returns from the past few years
• Pay stubs and other proof of income
• Bank statements
• Credit card statements
• Credit reports (to show debts)
• List of child-related expenses
• Mortgage or rent receipts
• Utility bills
• List of your property with values assigned
• Retirement accounts
• Health and life insurance policies

If your spouse refuses to hand over financial documents, talk to a lawyer about the best way to legally secure them.

What to do before filing for divorce

Before you file, you'll want to make sure you're prepared to divorce. The following are just some of the tasks you may consider completing in preparation for filing for divorce.

• Do your research. Find out the family laws and court procedures in your area, the paperwork you'll need to file, which court handles divorce cases in your area, the cost of a divorce lawyer, etc.
• Hire a lawyer. While it's possible to divorce without a lawyer, it is not recommended. Even if it's just to complete paperwork, a lawyer's input can be invaluable. Lawyers can also help protect your rights if you enter into a divorce settlement.
• Tell your children. Divorce impacts kids, too. They have a right to know that their family is changing.
• Gather your children's information. You'll need your children's birth certificates, social security numbers and proof of their current address, among other documents.
• Find ways to show you care for your children. The best evidence for custody highlights that you are an active parent. You might make a schedule to show how often you care for your children and gather photos of family vacations.
• Think about what you want and where you're willing to compromise. You'll attempt to negotiate at some point in the divorce process. Many courts require parents to try mediation. Knowing early on what you do and don't want can help you negotiate successfully.
• Manage your joint accounts and holdings. You can freeze a joint bank account if you fear your spouse will withdraw money without permission. If you own a home together, consult with a lawyer before leaving. Vacating the home can hurt your case for ownership, especially if you don't contribute to costs like the mortgage during this time. If you share health insurance, you must wait until after the divorce to make changes.
• Secure your personal accounts. Make sure your spouse doesn't have access to your mail, social media, email or other important accounts.
• Update your beneficiaries and power of attorney. If your spouse is named as a beneficiary in your will or life insurance policy, you should change it. You should also change your power of attorney — the person who can make decisions on your behalf when you're unable — if it is your spouse.
• Plan your financial future. It's important you begin to secure your financial independence. Open your own bank or savings account. Create a monthly budget and stay within in. Start an emergency fund to cover living expenses during your divorce. If you're unemployed, start looking for employment.

Being the spouse who files for divorce first can have some advantages. However, you shouldn't aim to embarrass your spouse when serving divorce papers as this may sow more discord.

Maintaining your sanity during the divorce process

Divorce can be all-consuming. Though you should dedicate ample time to preparing for divorce, you must also remember to care for yourself and your children.

It's important that you continue to live your life. Spend time with family, participate in your favorite hobbies, eat well and exercise. Self-care can positively impact your mood and help you keep a clear head while you go through the divorce.

Consider adding journaling to your self-care routine. Writing down how you're feeling is a healthy way to express and process your emotions. Use this as an outlet, and keep it private instead of logging onto social media to air out personal grievances. Remember: What you post online can be used against you in court.

In your journal, make a list of realistic goals and desired outcomes. This could help you keep your eyes set on the future to avoid wallowing in the stress of your current situation. Believe it or not, there is life after divorce.

Going through the divorce process as a parent

Preparation is the most important part of the divorce process — especially if you're a parent.

Documents you might file as evidence in a divorce involving custody include:

• A proposed parenting plan
• Proposed parenting time schedules
• A calendar of your child's activities
• A printout of messages exchanged with the other parent
• A log of your child's expenses
• A parenting journal

The Custody X Change online app lets you create all of these in one place. It makes sure you're ready to take on the divorce process step-by-step.