Custody Mediation When You Were Never a Couple

Even if you and your child's other parent were never in a serious relationship, the two of you may find yourself in family mediation to try to reach agreement about how you'll parent.

It can be awkward to have these conversations with someone you don't know well. For example, one of you may feel hurt that your child's other parent doesn't want a romantic relationship or a friendship. And if one of you already has (or will soon have) a spouse or partner, that third person's feelings will be in the picture too.

General mediation procedures apply to you, even though you never dated each other, the same as they apply to parents who are going through breakups and divorces. Separately or together, you should write down how you'd like to co-parent your child, and you should bring your parenting plan to mediation to discuss it.

These pointers may help you prepare for mediation.

Establishing legal parenthood and child support

The biological father needs to establish paternity (aka parenthood or parentage) before seeking custody or visitation. Similarly, child support can't be ordered until both of you are legal parents.

In private mediation, you can discuss whatever you like, subject to the mediator's rules.

In court-provided mediation, you may not be allowed to negotiate the child support amount. Find out the rules in your area.

Communicating

Start cooperating during the pregnancy if you both expect to parent this child. You're not in love, but you'll be parents. Encourage each other to play a role in your child's life.

Don't resort to dirty tricks to win child custody. It's important for a child to have a relationship with both of their parents, and it's important for co-parents to be honest with each other.

Keep the lines of communication open: Answer each other's calls and emails (at least when related to how you'll parent), listen to each other's ideas and preferences, and don't pressure each other to "agree" to something the other believes isn't right.

Let each other have privacy, but realize the limits of keeping secrets about your child's other parent from important people in your child's life. Tell the truth to those who need to know it (e.g., your spouse or your lawyer).

Agreeing where you'll each live

Since you probably weren't counting on parenting together, you may not already live in the same area or, if you do, you may not have been planning to stay there.

But now you're making a plan for your child. Even though the two of you are not together as a couple, it's your business where your child's other parent lives.

Especially if you'll both have frequent parenting time, you'll need to agree to live in the same region or else make a plan for long-distance travel. Your concerns about where you'll live are unique to your personalities, preferences, careers, incomes, extended families, and whether you own your home. Mediation can help you reach agreement.

In addition to agreeing where you'll live now, you can also promise to include each other when planning any future moves.

If you don't feel safe

Tell the court about your concern. If there's been abuse, they may not require you to go to mediation at all. Proving that abuse happened would take place in a court hearing, not in a mediation session.

Alternatively, if both of you are willing to try mediation despite a history of abuse, the mediator can tailor the session to your needs — for example, by having you in separate rooms.

It may be that some of your past interactions with the other parent have felt uncomfortable but you don't think it's necessary to bring this up with the judge or mediator. Practice self-care and check in with your personal support system — friends, family, therapist — before heading to your mediation session. Bring a positive, constructive attitude and avoid escalating drama.

If you simply feel awkward speaking to the other parent because you don't know them well, mediation might be a big help. A professional mediator is skilled at structuring conversations.

You may be able to invite a support person to come with you.

Letting go of visions of a future you can't have

If you're headed to mediation with your child's other parent, this is a time to realize and accept that, not only isn't there a romantic relationship right now, but there isn't likely to be one in the future.

At mediation, you'll have to speak with the other parent about your areas of conflict. Anticipating this may be stressful.

Be polite to the other parent, but remember that you aren't responsible for managing each other's feelings. Have empathy, but be ready to set boundaries.

Treat the mediation session in a goal-oriented way. Your primary focus should be reaching agreement for your child's benefit.

Being a great parent is a future you can have.

Going forward

If you need to, in the future, you can return to mediation or try other alternative dispute resolution methods.

These professionals can help you resolve specific disagreements. However, they can't make all your decisions for you nor erase conflict from your life.

Make an effort to work constructively with your child's other parent. Though you aren't in a romantic relationship with them, you share a big responsibility: parenting the same child.

Using an app to organize your parenting plan

Writing a parenting plan can feel overwhelming. While respecting your co-parent's boundaries, you need to propose to the court how you'll work together to care for your child.

Fortunately, Custody X Change empowers you to do this.

The Custody X Change app walks you through each step of creating a comprehensive parenting plan. And it allows you to create a parenting time schedule from templates or from scratch.

The many co-parenting features — including an expense tracker and parenting journal — equip you to secure your child's well-being as you plan a new future.

The easiest and most reliable way to co-parent is with Custody X Change.