What Counts as Abuse in Family Court

Abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual.

Behavior described as abuse may include:

• Intimate partner violence (between lovers or spouses)
• Domestic violence (between people who live together)
• Sexual assault (touching without consent)
• Sexual exploitation (pressuring someone into sexual behavior with others)
• Neglect (failing to provide a minimum level of care to a child)
• Emotional abuse (involving insults or manipulation)

Your local law may define types of abuse differently. What's important is that, if you're in a bad situation, you get out of it and seek help for yourself and your child.

In family court, domestic violence and other types of abuse are taken seriously. Make sure to address abuse in a custody case from the first hearing. If you can't wait, request an emergency hearing.

Recognizing abuse

Adults of any age, gender, sexual orientation or marital status can be abusers or victims. Children can also be victims of abuse.

Abuse manifests in different ways.

Violence, threats and punishments

Some abusers physically assault their victims. This can include hitting and pushing, as well as sexual assault.

Corporal punishment for children can cross the line into abuse. If this has been (or might become) an issue, address it in your parenting plan.

Abusers may also make explicit, direct threats — for example, that they'll disappear with the child. (This is called parental kidnapping.) Other examples include: telling a partner they can't leave the relationship, stalking them at home or work, or harassing them on social media.

Some abusers are primarily motivated by the idea of "punishing" the victim or "winning" an argument. Between parents, this dynamic is called counterparenting because the parents are working toward different goals. Unfortunately, the child suffers for it. Instead, parents should make choices based on what is best for their child.

Gaslighting, projection and false accusations

These abusive tactics are more subtle.

Gaslighting. Some abusers repeatedly cause harm and then deny that it happened or tell you that you misunderstood or imagined it. This is called gaslighting because it's as if they're switching a lamp on and off while insisting you didn't see what you saw. They try to convince you that you aren't thinking clearly.

For example, when you question their withdrawal in a joint bank account, they might "remind" you that you agreed to it and accuse you of "forgetting."

Projection. An abuser might examine their own bad traits and use them to inaccurately describe the victim. This is called projection because they're projecting the image of themselves on someone else. They do it to feel better about themselves, make themselves look better to others, or distract from problems they need to fix.

For example, a spouse who's secretive might accuse the other spouse of being vague, or a partner who spends a lot of money on themselves might accuse the other of being selfish.

False accusations. Sometimes, an abuser lies or exaggerates about something their victim has done. In a divorce, they may use dirty tricks to win child custody. They try to intimidate their victim from going to court or they continue harassing their victim during a court case. They might say that the victim:

• Is lying about being abused
• Was sexually unfaithful
• Was unfair, unreasonable or manipulative (e.g., when they locked the abuser out of the house)
• Faked evidence of some fact related to their case
• Can no longer support the child adequately after moving out of the abuser's home, losing a job, etc.
• Is an unfit parent

Child neglect

One type of child abuse is neglect, which means failing to provide a minimum level of care to someone for whom you're responsible. Parents must ensure that their child is housed, clothed and fed, and they must respond to any emergencies. If they don't, especially when they should know better or when serious harm results, there may be an issue of neglect.

The state can send social workers to investigate suspected child neglect.

Planning for a custody case involving abuse

If your child's other parent has been abusive and you're planning for a court case, you might gather as evidence:

• A parenting journal to document important developments
• A proposed parenting plan for your child to keep them safe
• A proposed parenting time schedule, potentially limited to supervised visits
• A printout of messages exchanged with your ex, highlighting hostile language

The Custody X Change online app lets you create all of these in one place. It makes sure you're ready to take on the court process step-by-step.

Take advantage of technology to keep your family safe and get what's best for your child.