When Divorced or Separated Co-Parents Get Back Together

Can co-parents get back together? Yes, and sometimes it works great. Take legal steps to solidify your change in status and clarify how you'll parent going forward.

Examine your motivations for reconciling and think about the likelihood of your long-term happiness. Often, when exes try reconciling, especially if their relationship was high-conflict, they quickly remember why they broke up.

Before you tell your child that your relationship status is changing again, be sure that the new status is going to stick. Don't get your child's hopes up and then leave them feeling betrayed, confused or resentful.

Deciding whether to get back together

Parents getting back together after separation may be driven by many motivations. They may be playing out old dynamics or new ones.

14 motivations that may not work out

One or both exes may:

1. Feel embarrassed about the breakup
2. Feel jealous of their ex or their ex's new life
3. Pretend in front of others that everything's OK
4. Want to make amends just so they stop feeling guilty
5. Consent to reunite although they don't want to, e.g., because they feel pressured
6. Pressure their ex to reunite, e.g., to control them
7. Cling to a rosy idea of what their relationship used to be and a false hope for the future
8. Desire a partnership while unable to imagine what a good one would be like
9. Be interested in meeting someone new but reluctant to put effort into dating
10. Be unable to function separately
11. Think of their ex as a romantic “safety” option (preferable to living alone)
12. Intend to "protect," "fix," or "save" their ex (e.g., from drinking too much)
13. Plot to keep an eye on a co-parent who sabotages co-parenting or overindulges the child
14. Assume that the breakup is bad for their child (when it might actually be better for them)

These motivations for getting back together, though they may feel important to the exes, may not lead to a lasting relationship.

14 motivations that signal the right path

Sometimes, both exes:

1. Still love each other
2. Forgive each other
3. Feel they've grown as individuals now that they've spent time apart
4. Value their unique relationship and their history together
5. Don't wish to "replace" each other with anyone else
6. Share trust, respect and appreciation
7. Listen and communicate well
8. Genuinely enjoy each other’s company
9. Attend to each other's material needs (e.g., help them recover from illness)
10. Support each other emotionally
11. Make each other’s lives better
12. Function when they're apart but choose to be together
13. Have been co-parenting constructively
14. Center the best interests of their child

If both parents feel this way, they have a solid footing. Their relationship may work out.

Divorced parents getting back together

If you remarry

If you have open issues from your divorce from each other, fully resolve those legal cases before you remarry. Then, you may be able to ask the court to vacate your divorce-related orders given that you're remarrying each other. You should also be sure to finalize your divorce from anyone else.

Hire a lawyer who's experienced in the specific issues you're facing. For example, financial issues, like retirement or disability benefits, may become complex. What was previously considered your marital property may now be considered to belong to only one of you.

If you don't remarry

Unless you remarry, the law will consider you divorced from each other. You'll need to explain why you should have a new court order.

In most areas, courts are likely to approve a new arrangement when parents agree to it, as long as the arrangement is in the child's best interests. An agreement is often called a stipulation. You may have to prove you've had a substantial change in circumstances; moving in together would qualify.

Understand that the court may continue to see you simply as divorced parents who seek new parenting orders — perhaps more amicable than you were before. The fact that you consider yourselves romantically involved again may not be legally relevant.

Planning for potential reconciliation

During a break-up, two parents may agree on a rule for what to do if they get back together, as well as what to do if they separate again. It's called a reconciliation clause, and it's included within a document like a parenting plan or a broader divorce settlement agreement.

A lawyer can help you write this so it's workable and valid according to the law where you live.

What happens to your parenting plan when you get back together

Once you receive a court order, you're required to follow it.

Of course, many parenting and financial agreements appear to no longer be applicable if the couple reconciles. For example, if you planned to exchange your child twice a week but then you begin living together again, you won't have to exchange your child anymore.

But many reconciliations are only temporary. If you separate again, you'll need clarity on whether your original parenting plan remains in effect — and whether either of you could be held accountable for not following the original plan while you were reconciled.

For these reasons, it's best to update your parenting plan if you get back together. This may even be necessary if your document already has a reconciliation clause.

Examples of topics to include in your updated parenting plan

Consider what will happen to your plan in these areas.

Child support

Once support has been ordered, you can't simply decide not to pay and receive it. It's owed to your child. Also, part of it may be owed to the state as reimbursement for public assistance you've received.

If it no longer makes sense for one of you to pay child support to the other, ask the court or support agency to modify the order or terminate it. Until you do, child support might continue to be deducted from one parent's paycheck, and if it's not, the state may consider it an unpaid debt.

Other financial agreements

Many divorced couples have specific financial agreements. For example, if a disabled child has special expenses, the higher-income parent may be ordered to pay these. Now that you're back together, will the other parent resume contributing? And if the relationship ends again, what will happen?

Responsibility for pet care

If one parent is responsible for walking, feeding, grooming and cleaning up after the child's pet or service animal, does this responsibility change now that you're together again?

The child's religion

If the court specified which parent has the right to choose the religion in which your child is raised, clarify whether the other parent expects to regain the right to give input on the child's religion.

Moving

Many states require you to notify your co-parent and seek permission from the court before you move far away, especially if your relocation would impact your parenting plan. If you're thinking about moving back in together, decide what would happen if you — or the other parent — chose to move out again someday. What if you disagreed about the move? How much notice would you want, and what if the move happened at a different speed?

General updates

Exactly how to update your parenting plan depends on your child's unique needs. If your child still needs a lot of your supervision or has complex medical or educational needs, you'll need a detailed plan. On the other hand, if your child is seventeen and soon to head off into the world, your replacement parenting plan may not need as much detail as the original.

Using custody software for parents getting back together after separation

Updating a parenting plan can feel overwhelming. You and your co-parent's boundaries have changed, and your child has grown. You need to document everything all over again.

Fortunately, Custody X Change empowers you to do all of this and more.

The Custody X Change app walks you through each step of creating a comprehensive parenting plan. And it allows you to create a parenting time schedule from templates or from scratch.

The many co-parenting features — including an expense tracker and parenting journal — equip you to secure your child's well-being as you plan a new family future.

The easiest and most reliable way to co-parent is with Custody X Change, even if you've gotten back together.