How To Separate With Kids — And Stay Strong
More than anything, children need their parents after a separation. You'll have to step up to give them the support they need, though it may not be easy.
It's common to feel emotionally vulnerable and exhausted after a separation. You have to make the initial decision to separate, tell your kids, then figure out how to move on. Unfortunately, there isn't a manual on how to separate with kids. There are, however, ways to make the process less painful for everyone.
Separating with kids
On the surface, separating with kids may seem simple. Yet there's a lot to account for. Here's some advice to help you.
Get in the right frame of mind
Your mindset will have a big impact on how you're able to handle a separation with kids. Identify what you need to do to deal with the separation and help your kids as well.
Figure out a strategy for moving forward instead of dwelling on the past. Therapy or simply talking things through with someone you trust can help. Also, focus on the big picture — helping your children through a difficult time. Don't let your disdain for the other parent get in the way of what's best for your children.
Work with the other parent
Trying to shoulder all the responsibility of the separation will only wear you out. Offer to work with the other parent to lighten your load and increase the chances of you both following through on the arrangements you've made together.
Talk over how you'll manage the separation. Will one of you move outside of the home? If you remain in the same home, how will you handle the costs of utilities, groceries, etc.? Will you create a temporary custody schedule?
Cooperating shows you're committed to keeping your ex involved in the child's life and encourages a more positive post-separation relationship.
If working with your ex is out of the question, seek help from family, friends and professionals like divorce coaches (who will work with you even if you haven't filed for divorce).
Prioritize your children
When you separate with kids, your kids should be the top priority.
Set aside any negative feelings for the other parent. Your kids deserve to have two parents actively involved in their lives without feeling like they need to choose sides. Avoid disrespecting the other parent in front of your children, and tell friends and family to follow suit.
You'll also want to try to keep things as "normal" as possible for your children. Avoid making big changes like moving cities unless it is absolutely necessary. Your children are already dealing with the upending of their family, and more change may cause greater stress.
Continue to parent as usual. Structure is especially important for your children at this time.
Figure out the next steps
You'll need long-term parenting arrangements for your children. Start thinking about whether you'll file for divorce, legal separation or custody.
Browsing the Custody X Change parenting plan template will give you ideas for what parenting arrangements you want to ask your ex (or the court) for.
How to stay strong during separation
When you separate with kids, it's important that you maintain your composure for your sake and your children's sakes.
Look after yourself
Take care of your mental and physical health. Maintain a journal, eat a healthy diet, exercise and reach out to family, friends and professionals for help. Find healthy outlets for your frustrations and disappointments.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable
If your child asks how you're doing, be honest. If you're not feeling your best, letting them know reassures them that it's okay to have those feelings. Be open without venting to them or sharing inappropriate information.
Look on the bright side
Parental separation spares your children from hearing arguments and feeling tension in the home. Plus, it may help you prioritize your children more; rather than focusing on your issues with the other parent, you can focus on being the best parent you can for them.
Spend quality time with your kids
Spending time with your kids can help keep you centered and focused on getting the best outcome for your children. It's also comforting for them to know that they still have the love of their parent.
How to tell kids about separation
How you inform your children of the separation impacts their ability to cope.
Tell your children about your separation together
Having both parents break the news can help children feel more secure that both parents will still be part of their lives. Tell all your kids at the same time to avoid one of the children becoming the messenger.
Be honest but age-appropriate
You don't have to go into detail about why you're separating. It's enough to say, "Mom and Dad don't get along as well as we used to, and we think it's best if we live in different houses." Although older children will have a better grasp of what's happening, avoid topics like infidelity that may cause them to choose a side.
Prepare them for what's next
Tell your children about changes they can expect. Prime them for living in two households and following a custody schedule. Try not to make promises you may not be able to keep, like telling the children exactly which days they'll be able to visit a parent.
Be supportive
Children may blame themselves for the separation. Reassure them that the decision was made independent of them. Give them the floor to ask questions to offer some closure. If your children take the news especially hard, you can look into individual or family counseling. Make yourself available to help your children deal with the separation.
Should separated parents spend time together with their child?
It depends. Some exes who are separated with children get along well enough to live together. Others can't stand to be in the same room. For some, interacting is awkward because one parent is still in love with the other, while their ex feels it's impossible to reconcile.
If you want to start doing things together with your children, you might hold off until you've emotionally processed the separation. Wait for old feelings to subside before spending any substantial amount of time together. From there, you may limit your interactions to school events, birthdays or other special occasions.
Consider your child's age and maturity level when trying to figure out how they will react to seeing you and your ex together. Some younger children may mistakenly think it means you're getting back together. For older children, it can be nice to see you're able to put aside your differences for their sakes.
If you don't get along well, you may want to divide the time you spend with your children. Children can sense tension even if you're not arguing. Regardless, being cordial with your ex will make dealing with the separation and co-parenting easier.
Using technology to encourage co-parenting
Separated parents should do everything they can to work together. Creating a parenting plan is a good first step.
The Custody X Change app walks you through each step of creating a plan.
The result is an organized plan that meets the court's standards and simplifies parenting after separation.
