What To Do When Co-Parenting Doesn't Work: Solutions

Co-parenting is upheld as the ideal way for parents who are no longer together to raise their children. But what do you do if co-parenting doesn't work?

Co-parenting means collaborating to raise your children. It doesn't have to mean a friendship — you only need to respect one another's roles as parents.

While co-parenting is not advised if the other parent presents a danger to you or your child, it is possible for parents who do not get along or communicate well to raise their children effectively.

How to make co-parenting work

Don't give up hope just yet. Giving co-parenting another shot benefits your child and you as it will lighten the load of the parental responsibilities. The following can help you co-parent with someone you can't seem to get on the same page with.

Get a custody order

A court order provides essential guidance and a safety net. If parents disobey the order, they could face punishment if held in contempt.

You could set your own parenting rules through mediation, then get your agreed parenting plan validated by the court. Parents who negotiate a parenting plan often stick to the terms since they chose them. Cover all necessary ground in your plan, from a visitation schedule and decision-making guidelines to co-parenting boundaries. Mediation can improve communication and help you gain an understanding of one another's point of view.

There's no shame in going to court if negotiation fails. But going into court and declaring you don't want to co-parent could hurt your case; it is generally in the child's best interest to have both parents involved in their lives. Propose a parenting plan that shows you'll maintain the relationship between your child and the other parent (so long as it is safe). A judge will discern the best way for parents to collaborate without exposing the child to conflict.

Keep your child out of your drama

Putting the child in the middle of your disputes could harm their mental health and their relationships with both parents. Focus on parenting your child instead of punishing the other parent.

• Don't badmouth the other parent in front of the child.
• Don't tell the child details about your disagreements.
• Don't use the child to pry into the other parent's personal life.
• Don't use the child as a messenger.

Your animosity toward the other parent should not get in the way of your child having two active parents in their life. You can put rules in your parenting plan to help limit drama.

You can customize this to fit your situation with Custody X Change.

Only communicate about your child

Co-parenting doesn't work when parents are constantly battling over nonparenting issues. Stick to parenting matters and the child when communicating.

State facts without emotion, e.g., "Kate went to the doctor today for a checkup. She's in good health." It's harder for your co-parent to find an angle for an attack when you stick to the basics.

Be mindful of the language you use. Combative or accusatory language takes away from the message you're trying to get across about your children.

Your mode of communication is also important. In the heat of a phone call, you may say something you'll later regret that does further damage to the co-parenting relationship. Text and email are recommended since they let you think through what you're going to say before hitting send. They also let you keep a record of your conversations in case you need to go to court.

Enlist a voice of reason

Sometimes, your distaste for the other parent can get in the way of your ability to make parenting decisions.

Consider asking a relative or friend to be the "tiebreaker" when you can't agree. Hiring a parenting coordinator is another option. They can't modify your custody order but can make minor changes to your parenting plan and help you interpret it.

As another option, a mediator could facilitate your conversations to ensure things remain respectful.

You can customize this to fit your situation with Custody X Change.

Try therapy

High-conflict parents often let problems linger until they reach a boiling point.

Therapy helps you unpack your emotions. You can get to the root of your problems with the other parent and learn strategies to overcome them. Plus, you may identify where the hate is coming from so you can get past it.

Therapy is also an outlet to vent so you don't say harmful things in front of your children or have blowups out of anger.

You could try therapy by yourself or co-parenting counseling.

If you decide you don't want to co-parent

When co-parenting is not working, you might reach a breaking point where you throw in the towel and say, "I don't want to co-parent."

Parallel parenting is an alternative to co-parenting for high-conflict parents.

A few key elements of parallel parenting are:

• Limited communication
• Monitored exchanges
• Enforcing your own rules in your home
• Relying on a third party to resolve disagreements

If severe circumstances are preventing co-parenting from working — like if the other parent is incarcerated, counterparenting or unfit for custody — you may need to go to court. You might have reason for the judge to change custody.

The easiest way to make a parenting plan

A thought-out parenting plan is crucial for parents who don't get along. A detailed plan with airtight legal language could be the difference between cooperation and returning to court.

The Custody X Change online app walks you through each step of creating a plan so you account for all possible situations.

It's easy. Just use our parenting plan template to quickly choose the provisions that best suit your circumstances.

You can customize this to fit your situation with Custody X Change.

The result will be a professional document that demonstrates your competence as a parent and has safeguards to prevent violations that could disrupt your child's life.

You can customize this to fit your situation with Custody X Change.

The easiest and most reliable way to make a parenting plan is with Custody X Change.