LGBT Family Law: Finding a Lawyer or Mediator

As you begin your court filing for divorce or child custody, it's important to consult LGBTQ-friendly professionals.

Not all laws and processes have been updated to reflect the realities and needs of LGBTQ families. Typical interpretations of family law may not easily accommodate or apply to you.

It's helpful if the professional has experience with cases similar to your own. You need and deserve a helping professional whom you trust with your story.

Find a knowledgeable lawyer

Since there are over 1 million same-sex couples heading households in the U.S., there's bound to be a lawyer in your area who has handled a same-sex divorce, gay parenting plan, child support between parents of the same gender, or other LGBT family issue.

You may feel like the only gay family in your neighborhood (or at least the only one who's divorcing), but there is an expert who knows what to do.

Your lawyer may ask general questions about your relationship with your ex and how you became parents. They don't want to be surprised with information when your ex mentions it in a court hearing. Failing to prepare your lawyer hurts your case, wastes time and costs you money.

Expect to tell your lawyer any of the following if they might be relevant to your divorce or parenting case:

• Your sexual orientation or gender identity — and your ex’s
• Your child's sexual orientation or gender identity (and how you and your co-parent are providing emotional or medical support)
• How public you are about these identities (so your lawyer can advise you on matters that might impact your privacy)
• How your child was conceived or adopted (e.g., by second-parent adoption)
• If your status as a legal parent might be in question
• Whether your marriage was polyamorous or an open relationship
• Whether there was infidelity (cheating) and whether this contributed to the breakup
• Whether your close family members accept your LGBTQ identity, marriage and parenthood — especially if a custody evaluator may interview them, if you may ask them to write a character reference letter, or if you or your ex may call them as witnesses
• Any parts of your medical history (e.g., HIV status or psychiatric treatments) that may be relevant to your divorce or child custody case
• If there's been domestic abuse
• Any discrimination or harassment your family has experienced, especially if this has affected your safety, health, family relationships, income or decision about where to live
• Any discrimination or harassment you anticipate may occur during or result from your divorce process
• Whether you and your ex traveled to marry in another state or country before gay marriage was legal where you were living

You might disclose some of these topics on an intake form or else early on in conversation. Not all of your life story will be relevant in family court, but your lawyer needs a full picture so they can tell you which parts the court needs to know. It's better for them to hear it from your perspective than to hear it from your ex.

A lawyer charges hundreds of dollars an hour. They'd be an expensive therapist, and they're not there to be your best friend either. But you should feel that they're genuinely on your side. If you don't trust them to be sympathetic to your LGBTQ identity, it'll be hard for you to tell your complete story and for them to represent you to the court.

Find a respectful mediator

Some court systems offer free mediation to help you settle your case, but you may not have much choice in who the mediator is. You may instead prefer to privately hire a mediator who works with LGBT couples. Making that extra investment and effort may persuade a skeptical spouse to try mediation.

A mediator can't take sides. They provide structure to your negotiation, listen to both of you and steer you toward agreement in session. If you do reach agreement, they write up the details for court (often called a memorandum of understanding).

A mediator can and should respect your LGBT identities. Doing so isn't taking sides. That's just being decent to you and helping you move forward without unnecessary distractions.

For example, if you prefer the term spouses rather than wives, or secondary partnership rather than affair, an LGBTQ-inclusive mediator can use that language in session. They should know whether your language will be valid in court, and if it is, they should be able to incorporate it into your written agreement.

Going through a breakup as an LGBT parent

Preparation is key to any legal process — especially if you're a parent.

Evidence you might file in a case involving child custody includes:

• A proposed parenting plan
• Proposed parenting time schedules
• A calendar of your child's activities
• A printout of messages exchanged with the other parent
• A log of your child's expenses
• A parenting journal

With the Custody X Change online app, you can create all of these in one place.

Choose one color to represent yourself and another to represent your co-parent. You can pick your own colors from the full rainbow. This color-codes your custody calendar to make it your own.

The app makes sure you're ready to get what's best for your child.