How to Deescalate Tension Between You and Your Ex

Your divorce is not the end of your relationship when you have kids in the mix. When you co-parent, you must still keep in contact with your children's other parent.

Your divorce is proof that you and ex aren't always on the same page. That can lead to tension, friction, and arguments.

It's important to know how to deescalate tense conversations and situations to keep your co-parenting relationship civil. Research shows that kids do better when their parents get along after separation.

4 family therapy experts weigh in

We asked four family therapists for their best tips on how to make sure minor tension doesn't turn into major problems. Every co-parenting relationship is different, but these tips might help keep yours friendly.

Use technology as a buffer

Some people are just not compatible. Whenever they are in close proximity, they ruffle each other's feathers.

Does this sound like you and your ex?

Erin Asquith of Venus Therapy suggests you take advantage of technology to calm surging emotions. "If you and the ex can't speak calmly to each other, use email or text," she says. "It slows down the communication and hopefully reduces tension."

Just make sure to think before you text, and remember that once you send your message, you cannot unsend it. Also keep in mind that texts can easily come off as abrasive, so choose your words carefully.

Request, don't command

The fastest way to avoid going from slightly tense to full-blown nuclear is to watch how you phrase concern over your ex's parenting choices.

You should already have a parenting plan. But there's often more than one way to interpret certain aspects.

Mary Ann Aronsohn of Aronsohn Therapy recommends taking a question-based approach when discussing matters that might lead to conflict. "When you're tempted to criticize, accuse or complain, instead work to create either a polite request or a proposal," she says.

She says an easy way to do this is by starting your sentences "Would you be willing to…" or "I would really appreciate if you…"

Just remember that a polite request loses the polite factor when the tail of it is accusatory. And a passive aggressive approach is not a polite request.

Prioritize values over isolated arguments

Nitpicking over minor one-time events is more trouble than it's worth. When you are discussing the ongoing co-parenting situation, it's important to focus on the goals.

Aricia E. Shaffer explains that instead of fighting over bedtime down to the minute, you have to look at what's important to both of you. "Remember that rules do not need to be exactly the same in both homes," she says.

She continues, "Focus instead on values. What values do you want kids to leave home with? Respect, personal responsibility, independence, integrity, generosity? These are often easier to come up with and agree upon. Additionally, you can prioritize as many values as you'd like."

Another way to think about this is to not sweat the small stuff. You both have the goal of raising happy and healthy children, and when you focus on values instead of minor day-to-day occurrences, you have a better chance of achieving that goal.

Keep it close

At the end of the day, it's incredibly important to remember that the conflict, no matter how big or small, is between you and your ex. You need to keep it that way.

"Avoid working through the children," says Lisa Bahar. "Also, avoid including new spouses in parenting unless welcomed."

You may be tempted to use your children as a messenger or try to involve your new spouse who will undoubtedly take your side of the altercation, but doing either will cause more long-term harm than short-term good.

Use technology to ensure peaceful communication

If there's tension between you and the other parent, having a tool to facilitate communication can be crucial.

The Custody X Change app has a messaging feature that allows you to send and receive messages and saves every conversation. The built-in hostility monitor alerts you to any words that may increase tensions, reminding you to think twice before you send.

Custody X Change makes it easier to keep the tension between parents at a minimum.