Should Co-Parents Spend Time Together?

There's a lot of guilt that comes with ending a relationship when you have a child. To retain some sense of normalcy for their children, co-parents may choose to continue spending time together.

Carefully consider whether planning family time is the right move for your child.

If your ex wants to do things as a family

Before you start planning get-togethers, have a conversation with your ex.

If you've only just separated, it might be too soon to start spending time together. Make sure you've had enough time to heal and forgive past indiscretions. If your court case is tense, you'll probably want to wait until that finalizes.

Consider the dynamics of your relationship before it ended. If you didn't get along before, spending time together won't automatically make you get along. You shouldn't subject your child to arguments. Even if you don't outwardly express it, kids can often sense when you are upset or uncomfortable. Do the work to spare your child from conflict and improve your co-parenting relationship beforehand.

Once you and your co-parent decide to spend time together, talk to your kids to gauge their feelings. You might want to hold off if it would upset them to see you together or make them think you're getting back together. They may be able to handle it better when they're older.

Pros and cons of spending time with your co-parent

Weigh the potential positives and negatives.

Pro: Makes your child happy

Separation and divorce are tough on children. Seeing their parents together could help your child cope. Sometimes, when parents avoid one another, it makes the child feel like they need to choose sides. Putting on a united front reassures your child that you'll still be their parents.

Con: Slows down the transition into post-divorce life

You'll need to get used to living separately from your co-parent, and your child will need to adjust to living in two households. It's hard to move on from the relationship when you're frequently in each other's orbit — especially if you still have feelings for your co-parent.

Pro: Makes co-parenting easier

Co-parenting works best when parents get along. Family gatherings may help you feel more comfortable around one another, making communicating about parenting matters easier.

Con: Gets in the way of new relationships

You new partner may be uncomfortable with you spending so much time with your ex. If your ex does not get along with your new partner, group gatherings can get tense. Your child may resent new partners as they may see them as the only obstacle between their parents getting back together.

Pro: Demonstrates maturity to your child

Although your relationship didn't work out, that doesn't mean that you can't work things out as co-parents. Continuing to spend time together shows your child how to take the high road. They may also learn valuable lessons about forgiveness and grace.

Con: Causes stress and anxiety

Trying to keep up appearances is stressful. If you don't want to be there, your kids will sense it, passing your stress and anxiety onto them.

Tips for spending time with your co-parent

• Make sure you're equally invested. If one parent doesn't want to spend time together, it is unlikely to work. Make sure you're both on board before telling your child or making plans.
• Ease into spending time together. You might start by attending your child's extracurriculars together before moving onto planning regular activities.
• Set boundaries. Co-parenting boundaries can limit how often you spend time together, what type of activities you do and behaviors you won't tolerate during family time.
• Only do what you can. Weekly family dinners won't work in every situation. You might just have a gathering once a year on Christmas Day or on your child's birthday. Don't feel pressured to do more than what you're comfortable doing.
• Plan ahead. Work with your co-parent to plan events ahead of time. Coordinate where and when you'll meet, how you'll share any costs and more.

Planning for shared time

So you've decided to spend time together with your co-parent. The Custody X Change online app has the tools you need to stay organized and accountable.

Keep track of upcoming family time in your custody schedule, and mark it as third-party time so it doesn't count toward parenting time totals. Or add the event to your activities calendar, which doesn't affect your custody schedule.

Message your co-parent to organize your gathering. You'll both keep an unalterable record of messages.

Record expenses to track who paid for what and calculate how much you owe one another.

Custody X Change helps you foster and maintain an amicable co-parenting relationship.